Sometimes, I feel empty on the inside when check both my Gmail and Utormail inbox to find that no new messages await me. Then, I check Facebook and find it welcoming to see the little red tabs saying that I have 2 new updates, only to find that one of it is from an unknown group that I’ve joined by accident.
I wonder why I go on Facebook so much.
Have you worn a pair of shades before?
Behind it, I walk in my own world. I stare, without attracting unnecessary frowns. It is like sleeping with your eyes open, appearing to be in the moment but not really so. What can be more delicious than the feeling of being left alone in the crowds? It is almost as if you are hidden, camouflaged in the throngs of people.
I never understood why sunglasses are cool. Now I know why. Have you felt the same way?
Have you ever felt edgy when you’re walking alone (at night)? You hear someone walking behind you but you don’t dare to turn around to have a look? Or how noises make you jump (even more when it is night time)? I bet you felt it before. It was around 11pm when I decided to walk to Metro. We were out of milk and other food necessities in life. No milk = no cereal the next day = bad start to my day (and other housemates’ day).
So anyway, this guy behind me was making a loud rustling noise. Nothing harmless but that loud rustling sound made me feel slightly uncomfortable. That guy turned into a subway station. Moving on, I stood behind a girl at a traffic light stop. It was a well lit intersection but she turned around and gave me a suspicious glance anyway.
At that very moment, I realized how uncertain we are in the dark. If night was day, that same girl wouldn’t have turned around to give me that glance. It was in the dark that she couldn’t feel confident with what was behind her. Without light, the clarity of everything around us seems to be hidden from us. Unsure with what might be behind me, I sometimes feel uneasy walking alone at night.
Now I understand a little of why God wants us to walk in the light. It is not simply because darkness is bad. He wants us to walk in the light in order that we may feel confident walking (with Him), never needing to be unsure of what may jump out at us or what is behind us. Because either way, many things are no longer hidden from us.
This will be my last post before I hit the sack.
I want to share with you one of my favourite posts from 2008, here. I was being random and doing my best to be artistic (if writing about green apple and brown sticks doesn’t seem that random to you, I love you already). I ended the post with these lines: “i like to go against the current, i have wishful thoughts people don’t dare to think about. i know i can make a change, and i will…”
Why is that my favourite post? Because after 4 years, I can confidently say that I will be making a change. How? I have mentioned that I have been accepted into Teach for Malaysia 2013 Fellowship. I did not elaborate on it in the previous post and will not be doing so in this. I have got to sleep soon! But I promise you (this time, it is for real) that I will be telling you more about Teach for Malaysia. In the mean time, you can check them out at: www.teachformalaysia.org.
A couple of weeks ago, a bright little girl introduced me to Joe Hisaishi. I started listening to his compositions and I must say his music brings back many forgotten dreams.
If you don’t know, Joe Hisaishi is a composer and director. He is known for his film scores for Hayao Miyazaki’s movies. His music can be lighthearted and dark at times. Most of the times, I can imagine what the characters will be doing when the music is played. Sometimes, they (the characters) are running over the bridge. Sometimes, they have an “eureka” moment. Sometimes, they are sneaking out of a big castle. If music can be thoughtful, Joe Hisaishi’s musics definitely fits the category.
I say so because Hisaihi’s work speaks to me. Perhaps I am in a reflective mood now. I am remembering what I wanted to be good at. I want to be good at piano. I want to play like a professional. Hisaishi reminds me of who I can be, if I am given the opportunity. I imagine myself playing solo on the stage, accompanied by a violin concerto.
Perhaps I am really unsure of who I am and where I want to go. From engineering to teaching, I can be doing music next! An update for you: I have been accepted into Teach for Malaysia 2013 fellowship, which means I will be teaching for 2 years (in Malaysia, of course!). I am very very excited to be part of this. At the same time, I must say it IS a big change for myself. For all I know, music may be something I’ll be involved in somewhere down the road.
It is all very cool. I don’t complain, in fact I can’t, about where God is leading me to at the time being. Like I said before, I feel like I am walking on a suspension bridge and every step adds to the jittery uncertainty of life. The only thing I know is that I will someday reach that point B and I hope God will say “Well done”. My dear God, can I please take a peek into one of your crystal balls?
Enough said. You are so terribly distracting! Oh FBb, why do I always have to be involved in a love hate relationship with you?!It drains my energy so!
It is rather disturbing to think that I cannot live without FB, or the fact that I will never come to terms with its existence. I have been spending a blissful one month without going on Facebook and it has been wonderful. I have not been feeling this guilt free for so long! I have managed to stay in touch with the social events because words goes around anyway. I have spent those free-er hours on people or homework that calls for my attention.
BUT at the same time, people live in FB these days! If I want to talk to people, I need to go into their houses right? That means I will have to go to where they live..and people live in FB! Choosing to go away from FB is like wondering outside a neighbourhood aimlessly, when you know that the person you are looking for lives INSIDE that neighbourhood. I mean, people do leave that neighbourhood once in a while (for food and such) but much of their time is within that neighbourhood. A very deprived neighbourhood I must say but a very social neighbourhood nonetheless.
Do I need to go into that neighbourhood? Maybe not. I mean, I do not have to but a part of me do not like to be ignorant. A lot of times, FB is where conversations start and ideas flow. Friends live down the road and there are always new friends to be made. Once these conversations, ideas and updates come about, I find myself drawn deeper and deeper. I would like to say I am trapped but I am not really. I can always make the conscious choice to resist the attraction..but it is so hard.
I am pretty sure I have had this conversation many times…but my social dependance on FB never fails to boggle my mind!
I hate you FB. I really do.
The name Satan means “accuser”. It makes me wonder because sometimes, I am my own accuser. I am my own Satan, accusing myself for being filthy when I am wearing fine garments. One day, I am dressed like a princess and another day, I am dressed like a beggar. It’s like the changing color of a chameleon that changes according to various stimulus.
But He said (to the angels), “Take off his filthy clothes.” He said (to Joshua),”See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put fine garments on you.” Then He said again, “Put a clean turban on his (Joshua) head.” And oh! He said this before that, “The LORD rebuke you, Satan! The LORD, who has chosen Jerusalem, rebuke you! Is not this man a burning stick snatched from the fire?”
I was once burning to nothing ness in the flame. Now, I am saved from the flame. I was once in filth. Now, I am in fine garments with a clean turban. (Think of Oliver Twist)
Ever had those days when you felt like running away to hide? Today is one of those days. I remember blogging about confidence. It is like mushrooms that sprout after a heavy rain – that quick and that much. Most of the times, my confidence is placed in less-than-ideal places and events. Outrightly blatant and unnecessary at times. I find it ironic how I do not feel confident about matters I should be most confident about, like my identity as a child of God or in relationships.
To question is to understand. I question, push and demand until I am satisfied with the clearer pictures I have of something or someone. Doubting has become my second nature and “I guess” is my favourite word. I guess this second nature feeds into my yearning for deeper understanding of things and people. I may be outrightly blatant and unnecessary at times but it will have to be done in order to understand. With that, I pride myself as someone who is honest and understanding because I equate questioning to understanding.
Then again, all of these questioning, pushing and demanding work under the assumptions I have made on how certain things or people should function. I question, push and demand and I am only satisfied when the conclusions from my interrogation match my hypothesis. If it does not, I doubt that anyone has been going deeper in touch with their emotions and their utmost desires, other than myself.
Today, I feel like running away because I am dumbfounded that my approaches to people are flawed. I realize that sometimes, people are beautiful just the way they are, not the way I am. Being in touch with one’s emotions and desires may look different for everyone, like how there isn’t a clear cut definition to what is beautiful and what is not. It is all in the eyes of the beholder. My approaches are flawed because my hypotheses will not be fulfilled and I will always have to settle for open conclusions.
Today, I feel like running away because like how a scientist loses his confidence in his scientific methods when his theory is found to be wrong, I have lost confidence in myself because I have thought wrong. I question, push and demand without taking into regards emotions and existing thoughts and here I am, thinking that I am the only one who has been in touch with my emotions and desires. I have thought wrong because many things do not work under my assumptions and questioning may not be understanding.
Today, I feel like running away. I want to run away from myself and hide in the arms of someone bigger than myself, someone more intelligent than myself and someone who is more loving that I am.
To question is to understand. Is that so?
Random thought:
I want to harvest energy from You, O Lord, and You alone.
Here is something about my trip to Beijing. Let me know what you think about it!
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My visit to the Peking University (PKU) at Beijing was part of the Cross-Cultural Capstone Design program led by the Department of Mechanical and Industrial Engineering. In November 2011, we traveled to Beijing in a group of 15 students and professors to present on our project developments. We were there for 5 days.
China..from an outsider's point of view
During the visit, we were exposed to a different university environment than University of Toronto. My experience with PKU was one of disgust and wonder. Their residences were dirty; the human congestion was much less than ideal and their buildings were bare and empty. I was not impressed with the Chinese level of wireless connectivity, not getting access to many of the English websites. At the same time, I am also aware that PKU students have lived and thrived under these conditions. Although the living standards at PKU differ considerably from our university, I know that living behind the shabby university walls are students so ambitious and inspirational that it would shame myself. To me, that was an indication that many things are matters of preference in the process of attaining success. I was disgusted with their living quarters and internet access, yet I was also amazed that these were not major hindrances to these Chinese students as they were to me. To me, their ability to stay focus regardless of their surrounding environments was already a success to me. Being among the students at PKU have led me to a conclusion that sometimes, success lies in the process of achieving an end goal and not a goal in itself.
It has been said, “seeing is believing”, that seeing for yourself is to experience the truth. My trip to Beijing was filled with answers that remain unquestioned and new questions that were unanswered. While I was busy feeling disgusted and amazed at the same time, I recorded some of my observations that baffled me. This short essay records some of the observations that I have made.
1. The fashion that I have seen in Beijing is a questionable mix of North American and Chinese styles. Perhaps this is what is called an “integration of culture”. The Chinese brought in the Western concepts of simple (but adequate) dressing and added their own fluffy cutesy accessories and bright colors (think of metallic gold). These tend to be on the “loud” side, where the colors scream for attention and the fluffs spell Chinese. At the university of Toronto, sometimes I know that a student is from China when I see his/her fashion styles. I find it odd that I can identify a Chinese student from China not by her facial features, but by the way she dresses. Odd as it may be to me, this observation leads to me to ask a question: Is this an implication of their inner desires to be seen as Westernized?
2. I consider myself to be indifferent to popular beliefs that Asians are conservative and that to us, physical contact in public is a taboo. However, I cannot help but to notice the large amount of students who held hands on the PKU campus. Now, why did these scenes in Peking University surprise me? Firstly, I believe that I have seen more couples holding hands on the PKU campus than on U of T’s. Secondly, I wonder if this surge in the dating scene implies deeper voids within the students that need to be filled. Students at PKU are known to be hard workers who would self-study until 10pm every night and achieve almost perfect scores in exams. When I mentioned this to a professor, he remarked that I spend much of my time within the engineering buildings and is not exposed to the arts and science students at U of T. At the same time, I wonder if it could that some of them feel that academic achievements do not satisfy them emotionally and there is a need to find solace in a close relationship with someone of the opposite gender.
With that said, I know that my observations are somewhat flawed. There may not be explicit relationships between Western tendencies and fashion styles, nor is there a psychological explanation between finding fulfillment in a dating relationship and the abundance of students who held hands on PKU campus. Even if there are, these matters will not have a linear causal-effect relationship. My professor once said, “To find the answers, you must know the answers.” Perhaps these observations are my first steps to answering some of the questions I have about Chinese and China.
